Jean-Ralphio Saperstein’s Top 26 Funniest Quotes From Parks and Rec

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Jean-Ralphio Saperstein, played by actor Ben Swartz on the show Parks and Recreation is arguably TV’s most lovable douche-bag.
He’s the worst, he’s irresponsible, and he regularly scams insurance companies. On the plus side, he can get you access to the illest clubs, he will create a tiny go-cart for your grandma, and he’s the source of some of the show’s most hilarious quotes.

Here’s what we think are Jean-Ralphio’s top 26 funniest quotes from Parks and Rec in order of greatness.

Quote #26: When he hosted Entertainment 720’s end of the world party

“The entire party’s a VIP area.”

Quote #25: When he and Tom practiced their Rent-a-Swag pitch on April and Andy

“Wink! Rent A Swag! Where your swag is my business!”

Quote #24: When he showed great faith in his father

Tom: “Do you think there’s any chance your dad will give up?” Jean-Ralphio: “I doubt it, he never gives up on anything – except for my mom. When she turned thirty, he was like, ‘GET OOUT!'”

Quote #23: When he showed great faith in his sister

“Oh, yeah she’s my sister. My twin sister, from the same mister. Thank you so much for hiring Mona-Lisa. It means so much to me. Even though, honestly, she’s The wo-o-orst. She is the worst person in the world. Huge skank. Terrible. But thank you. It means a lot. Got to keep it in the family.”

Quote #22: When he and Tom printed their own money

Aww, Snapple. Are we calling everybody “baby” now? ‘Cause honestly, I love that.

Quote #21: When he dropped some pointed wisdom on Jelloshot

“Why don’t you use that time to go after one of your passions. Like model trains, or toy Gandalfs or something.”

Quote #20: When he gave Tom the best wedding toast advice in the history of Pawnee

“Talk about Andy’s ex-girlfriends, quote from Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause…drop the microphone, get out of that bitch.”

Quote #19: When his parents amended his trust fund

“Tom: What about your trust fund? Jean Ralphio: My parents had it amended. I don’t get anything until I’m 50, which is a waste because I’m going to be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then. Eatin’ dolphin and hangin’ out with lady singers.”

Quote #18: When he made money the old-fashioned way

“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I got run over by a Lexus!”

Quote #17: When he got to third base over the pants

“One time, I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base, over the pants.”

Quote #16: When he free associated for Ron

“Business partner now and forever. Hold up – Forever 21, 21 gun salute, Salute Your Shorts, Kaboosh! I just free associated all over the moo-stache.”

Quote #15: When he got an accounting job

No, no, no, Barney, c’mon. But you don’t have to be an accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often?

Quote #14: When he announced that penises were bouyant

“Kuh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh bang! Which one floats your penis?”

Quote #13: When he was technically homeless

“TOMMY T! You just missed the CRAZIEST of crazies. Clubs. Girls. Dancing. Naked—MOM?!?! Argument. Fleeing the scene. Hiding in a dumpster. Coming here. Crashing on your couch for a week ‘cause [sings] technically I’m homeless.”

Quote #12: When he gave Tom some sage business advice

“It’s like I always say, okay. When life gives you lemons you sell some of your grandma’s jewellery and you go clubbing.”

Quote #11: When he and Tom created a commercial for Entertainment 720

“I will create a tiny go-cart for your grandma.”

Quote #10: When he called upon Lemony Snicket to absolve him of responsibility

“Lemony Snicket. Oh, my God, are you serious? I’m gonna be an uncle? Is that a real thing? Is that gonna happen? No, no, that’s too much– too much responsibility for me. I gotta…I gotta find another way out of this.”

Quote #9: When he wasn’t gay

“For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that’s just for starters. I will work for you. I’ll be on you 24/7. I’ll be like your family. I’m here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I’ll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don’t worry, it’s not gay. Do we have questions?”

Quote #8: When he was gay

Look at that. I guess sometimes I call men “beautiful” too. I guess I’m open-minded as hell. And I think you’re pretty good-looking.

Quote #7: When he faked his funeral in this deleted scene

“I got a terminal case of get-me-to-the-front-of-the-line-at-Six-Flags!”

Quote #6: When he was concerned about Donna’s clothes

“I hope you brought a change of clothes, cuz your eyes are about to piss tears.”

Quotes #5-3: When he couldn’t end his raps with a rhyme

“K to the N to the O P E, she’s the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee. Indiana.”
“Oh R to the O to the N, and then I say Swanson’s got swagger the size of Big Ben, clock”
“B to the O to the double-S, do what he says and you’ll be success…ful”

Quote #2: When he gave Jello Shot his nickname

“Ben. Is that your real name? You could do better than that, I’m gonna help you out right now. Your name is Angelo. Angelo, thank you so much for coming out, get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don’t know where the paperwork is, but when you find it can you take care of it for us. We don’t have any pens because we’re afraid it’s gonna leak on our shirts. Lastly, I hate the name Angelo, I’m gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is Jello Shot. What do you think about that, J-Shot? Do you have questions?”

Quote #1: When he needed Donna’s money

“What up, Big Teeeeeee…stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let’s cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let’s seal this devil’s threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, or my pre-owned Acura Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin’, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?”

More on Jean-Ralphio:

The Complete Jean-Ralphio, NBC Supercut
The fan theory that Steve Harrington from Stranger Things is actually Jean-Ralphio’s father due to their similar looks, personalities, and geographical proximity
An AMA (Ask Me Anything) with Ben Schwartz, the actor who portrays Jean-Ralphio
Slate Magazine’s character sketch of Jean-Ralphio
Jean-Ralphio’s Wikipedia page

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